Back from the Dead

God forbid I just let a snarky blog die, but this is a good one - worthy of my neighbor coming over and telling me about it!

So this guy, apparently, drove right up over my tree lawn and parked on top of it. Pics are below. Note the picture of my crushed lawn.

And to add insult to crushing my lawn, he has a Chicago Bears sticker on the back of his truck. Figures...he's a Chicago fan.

Plaster him with cheese from Wisconsin.

A New Moron

Yes, it's been a while since I posted here. I'd love to say that it's because the morons have left, but usually it's just because I couldn't find my camera in time (I don't have a camera phone, unfortunately).

However, tonight it worked out.

Jenn and the kids and I had gone over to Whetstone Library to play on the playground there, and when we got back we saw this. Yes, that's our driveway, and this moron was in front of it.

I still don't get the mindset that tells anyone that this is okay. We almost hit him trying to get into our own driveway. And despite my asserting quite nicely that we get a cowcatcher for the front of our car so we can push guys like this out of the way, we still have nothing to do that with. So we had to sneak around him.

I'm still trying to figure out the best way to deal with such idiots besides this blog. Sure, it's fun, but situations like this are especially annoying.

The police don't respond to these calls, and they probably have better things to do. But who in their right mind does this? Is our society so self-centered now that people don't have common decency not to park in front of someone's driveway?

Sigh... first global warming skeptics, then tea-baggers, then birthers, now this. I have no respect for any of them.

Not Only SHOULDN'T They Park, But...(Part 2)

The second vehicle isn't quite as bad as the first, as it's at least a vehicle that is normal sized. A tad dirty, but that's neither here nor there. It's not parked even CLOSE to halfway between my driveway and the next one, but that's pretty much par for the course.

However... check out this parking job. I was always told that you tried to get as close to the curb as possible without touching it. Well... let's put it this way: if this fellow was playing that game that Harold Ramis was playing with the hot brunette in the general's house in Stripes, he'd have lost pretty darned quickly.

And here's his license plate. I've heard of bleach balloons as more fun than egging... give it a try.

Not Only SHOULDN'T They Park, But...

It's a banner day today in Moron-ville. I've had two morons out there in the space of about three hours.

The first one is this RLT (Ridiculously Large Truck). Almost in front of our driveway, though I have a difficult time imagining a place where this behemoth CAN actually park legally, outside a truck stop.

I have a theory about such trucks... it states that the size of one's pickup is inversely proportional to the length of one's... you get the rest. I'm not sure what that has to do with being a moron parking in front of my house, but it's something I felt like sharing.

Not only doesn't he park properly... he doesn't park well. Check out the angle at which he's pointing at the neighbor's house.

Here's his plate number. I wonder if he can read it himself? He obviously can't read street signs. Four numbers and three letters might be too much for him.

Bad Parking in a Thunderstorm

It's been while since I posted here, but that doesn't mean that there haven't been morons. No, and here's the latest example. This fellow apparently doesn't think much of the law at all - not only is he parked in our no-stopping zone, he's not far enough away our driveway to be safe. Sigh.

I ran out during a lull in the rainstorm we're having here to get this one... thunder rolling down, rain sprinkling as the weather catches its breath and recovers for another pass at soaking us.

But like a true crotchety old journalist I didn't spare any expense to get you the story... of a moron in front of my house. I hope my sacrifice is appreciated - you don't get hard-hitting journalism like this on Fox News, do you? Heh!

I Got Ticketed For This Once...

Here's the latest moron. Yeah, he's parked in front of my house, which is illegal, but he's also pointed the wrong way. Apparently this is also illegal in Columbus, which I discovered when I first moved to Clintonville (my previous house didn't have a no-stopping zone in front of it).

He's not even parked particularly well. He's pretty far from the curb and everything. At least he's not so close to my driveway that he's blocking access. Otherwise, he's none too smart.

So... egg him. Or maybe I'll use my new gift my wife got me... a container of glass chalk. Nice "no parking" signs on his windows oughta learn him.

Post-Blizzard Moron

Today's moron is special. As in special needs, or needs a special helmet.

As I was helping my wife and kids get in to the house after arriving home from work and daycare, I noticed a big gold pickup parking in front of my house. Keep in mind that Columbus has just been hit by a blizzard that left 20.4 inches of snow in about 36 hours. So the road in front of the house is pretty rutted with snow. This pickup had to work HARD to get into that illegal parking spot.

He was still there when Duncan and I took the dog out for a walk. He had to have backed and forthed a few times to get into the spot. Amazing... that much trouble to park illegally. The mind truly boggles.

Seriously. Look at those ruts! The only reason he wasn't parked on my tree lawn is that he'd have ended up at a 45-degree angle to the street and possibly have tipped over.

I'm surprised he's not still stuck out there.

Anyway, here's his license plate. Put more snow in the bed of his truck if you see it.

"Hmmm... Why is That Curb Paved?"

Every time I post to this blog, I'm amazed by the total lack of comprehension that people have about their actions. Case in point:


That's right. Right across my driveway.

Now, my wife and kids aren't home from work and daycare yet. And if this galoot is still there when they pull up, I'm going to have to go over to the market and find this idiot and have him move his car.

My wife is going to be tired when she gets home, she's had a hard few days at work. My son is three, he can walk inside by himself. My daughter is 3 months old - she'll need to be carried.

And what if there's an emergency, and they need to get into the house quickly for some reason?

I started this blog in a humorous vein, but this one really, really pisses me off. It's a total lack of respect for me, the neighborhood, and common decency.

Key this car. Please.


Update - 6:15 PM: Well, Jenn got home, and the car was still there.

I went across the street to the market and hollered the license plate number and the situation.

I called the police, who said they'd send the next available cruiser. I stood outside near the car for a while, waiting for the moron to show up.

I chatted with my wife and next door neighbor for a few minutes (Hi Erica!). Then we all went inside to wait for the police... and sometime there the moron must have shown up and driven away, so my attempts to have them towed were for naught.

Guess I'll need to buy some caltrops to make sure they don't get away next time.

Big Ugly Gas Guzzling Pickup

This monster was waiting for us when I was leaving for the hospital with Duncan to see Jenn and Moira on Saturday morning.

Notice that not only is it parked illegally, but poorly - its back wheel is up on the curb. Sigh... it's not enough that this person is driving a monster truck, they can't even handle it properly.

This is one of my biggest pet peeves - people who get bigger vehicles than they can handle. Usually it's more of an issue in parking lots, not in front of my house.

Anyway, here's the license plate on this car. Get out your eggs and decorate it.

Good Intentions, Poor Execution

Today's moron was pretty bad... to the point that he almost didn't leave us room to get out of our driveway. If Jenn had seen this, she probably would had me draw "no parking" signs on their windows with soap (yes, I've done this before).

Check out how close to our driveway he is.

And here's the funny part, if any part of this can really be called funny.

He actually has a "Share the Road" license plate. I don't know if he knew he was parking in front of the house of a cycling advocate, but I suppose he thought it might be okay. Sigh.
I suppose sharing the road in this case means that he wants to share even the spots where it's illegal to park.

SO I get to mess with one of the morons!!

I had forgotten a few items at home and really need them. So I drove home at lunch, to run in and out quickly. So to my amazement when I arrive at my driveway - there is a car parked in it!!!!!!!!!!! So at first I am livid, but that changes to a screw with your mind attitude! For those of you who know me - that never goes well for the recipient. So I pull into my driveway and park. I lock the doors and go inside to wait! Within 5 minutes there is a knock. A college age girl says t me " umm, you are parked behind us and blocking us."

My response " You are parked in my driveway. I'll be leaving shortly." And I shut the door. In the background Guinness (our dog) is barking up a storm - which I encourage.

A few minutes later a knock sounds, I let Guinness bark and lunge for the door (the screen door)the young lady is back with I guess her boyfriend. They step back about foot.

The guy says "You are parked behind us and we are really late."

I respond " You are parked in My driveway."

He says " I did not want to park in the street and risk my Mom's car getting hit..."

I answer " So instead your Mom's car is being towed. You parked in my driveway - one that is inconsiderate, two it's illegal (trespassing)."

" but we're really running late.."

"Should have thought of that before parking in My driveway, I'll be leaving in awhile. I have taken pictures of your vehicle's plates and VIN number, so if there is any damage I know who to contact." I shut the door and lock it.

I give Guinness a good pet and treats, collect my items, check AC and a few other things. I go out the back, like normal, and shut the mudroom door. They are standing by their car with hangdog expressions, the girl was crying!

"Next time think before you do something illegal and inconsiderate. Next time it may not be a mad pregnant woman answering the door. Then I left, after making sure they pulled out of the driveway and took off!!

New Poster On The Blog!

I've invited my wife Jennifer to join me on this blog so she can tell the great story of today's moron. She posts as WolfPack, whereas I go as "Jamie." Go figure.

You should enjoy this one...

New Jerky Gets His... And I Didn't Even Do It. Really.

I got home from work today and my wife tells me to look out the window. New Jerky is in front of my house.... with a crumpled up hood. Hah! Someone hit him!

Later that night, New Jerky is in the driveway across the street, no longer willing to be subjected to the dangerous traffic that is the corner of Crestview and Calumet in Columbus.

I feel vindicated. And I didn't even do anything other than take a picture of his car.

Now, I can sit and await Moron #2.

New Jersey is Still There

No updates on this site for a while, but that's just because New Jerky (as my wife calls him) is still there. He's been there every morning since I posted last. So he's sort of ruining my plans to take these folks to task. But rest assured, I'm going to keep on this and let you know just who in this city can't properly read a sign.

The New Jersey Moron

So here's the first idiot we'll cover. This person has been parking in front of my house illegally for the better part of two weeks. And he parks poorly, too. This is actually one of his better parking jobs. Usually he's parked diagonally, anywhere from a foot to two feet away from the curb.

A few days ago I put a note on his car pointing out that a no-stopping zone is also a no-parking zone. That worked for a couple days... but now he's back. And his idiocy prompted this blog.

(That silver car is my wife pulling out of our driveway and probably thinking I'm a crotchedy old bastard.)

Here's his license plate number. Apparently he feels that because he supports the NJ State Police he can park anywhere. Please feel free to take appropriate action against this idiot. Especially if you're the Columbus police.

The Scene...

My wife and I own a house in Columbus. Clintonville, to be precise. And in front of my house is a no-stopping zone. It extends from the other side of my neighbors driveway to the left of my front door all the way to the stop sign at the corner of Calumet and Crestview.

For those of you not familiar with Clintonville streets, they are very narrow, and jam-packed with cars parked on either side. Usually only one car can get down at a time, so cars have to be patient and helpful to each other in getting clear when a spot is available on either side. At the end of the street, they try to keep one side of the street (the side my house is on) clear. This is so one car can be stopped at the stop sign there, and another car has room to turn off of Calumet. It's also so that the four houses near the end of the street that have driveways (including mine) can get into and out of them safely. To facilitate that, the city put up no-stopping signs.

This one is to the left of my house, if you're looking at the road. In the above picture, it's the one prominently in front. It clearly states that there is no stopping at any time, from the location of this sign all to the west.









This one is to the right of my house, just before the stop sign. Note the arrows on this "No Stopping Any Time" sign - they point both ways... that means no stopping anywhere along Crestview all the way back to the previous sign.

On the other side of Calumet, which is the cross street (the one the stop sign is in front of), is the Clintonville Community Market: a very popular locally-owned and operated organic food store.

Apparently, because the store is there, these signs mean absolutely nothing. Now I am not ranting at all about the market. Those who know me know that I absolutely love having that market there. My problem is with the mentally defective folks who think they can park wherever they want, even though that's clearly not the case.

I discuss laziness in my other blogs as well (Bangers and Mishmash and Bike Commuting in Columbus), so there's no need to go there right now.

So... you understand the situation now. On with the festival of morons.